All the information seems a little blurry now like it happened a lifetime ago.
Although I’ve had a miscarriage previously, it was very early days. It doesn’t make it any easier to deal with because as soon as you see that positive pregnancy test, you develop that bond with the little bean growing in your tummy. However it was easier for me to accept the loss as it was just that, a bean. No arms, legs just a cell. So I kept myself sane thinking my body wasn’t ready and to sort myself out before bringing a baby into this crazy world.
Don’t get me wrong I didn’t go on a crazy health kick or anything like that, I just decided to start putting myself ahead of stress. It wasn’t easy as it happened just before Christmas, so you can imagine the fake cheesy grin because you don’t want to ruin anybody’s fun. As much as I know that I have amazing support, I’m the type of person that deals with my own emotion. It doesn’t mean I’m pulling away or keep things locked up but for me, how can I express my emotion when I can’t even understand it myself.
The most recent miscarriage however, that one hit me hard.
I can’t remember when exactly I found out. I remember taking the test, seeing the result and walking almost zombie like into our bedroom to show my husband Billy. We looked at each other, and I know he had the same feeling…..panic. Not panic because we weren’t ready or because we didn’t want a baby because we did and still do. We were both scared of….how if it happens again?
I sat down and Bill hugged me, we didn’t speak he just hugged me. After a few minutes I just muttered I’m pregnant. At the moment we both vowed to not get excited until we got to the 12 week mark.
We kept it quiet telling only the people we had too.
No matter how much I tried to stop myself feeling excited, I was constantly looking at cots, prams, nursery themes and names. I saw my belly grow, my chest hurt and man that sickness, but it was ok because everyone told me these were signs of a healthy pregnancy.
I remember going to my first midwife appointment, where I was weighed, blood pressure taken and what felt like millions of questions completed about mine and Billy’s family history. The midwife seemed very happy, even telling me about birth centres providing my pregnancy stayed at a low risk. She gave me my little folder full of information and vouchers. I was buzzing with excitement. In a matter or 6-7 months I’d have a little baby. We discussed my 12 week scan and chose the hospital I’d be going to for the scans, check-ups and eventually the birth. The midwife then advised I’d receive a letter in the post with the date of my 12 weeks scan.
Waiting for that letter was like waiting for Christmas. As soon as I’d see the post everyday after I’d be disappointed not to see the letter. Until one day it was there, I ripped it open and there it was. April 18th 2017. Relief just filled my body, this one letter making everything feel so real.
My sickness continued, to the point I was signed off work. Don’t get me wrong I know there are women who go through worse sickness and continue to work, but the sickness with the added anxiety didn’t feel like a great combination. I know my body just needed to rest and I needed to relax.
I did relax, I tried not to stress and I took all my vitamins that they tell you to take. I felt confident this time that my body was going to be strong enough this time.
Billy had just started a new job on April 13th, I remember this because it was Thursday before the bank holiday weekend. Obviously because it was a new job we were both conscious that he couldn’t really take his second day of work off, so he agreed with his new manager to come for the scan and then come straight into work. We decided to take separate cars to the hospital, so he could leave straight from the hospital and I could do whatever I had planned that day. I actually think I was due to go back to work.
The day came, I was buzzing with excitement like a little kid. Cheshire cat kind of grin on my face, I was going to see my baby today. Along with the buzzing I needed to pee because I’d drank so much water. I wasn’t having any chance of a blurry picture.
We arrived to the reception and we were given paperwork to fill out, just the standard check all the information is right kind of thing. I think not even a minute after we were called in.
The Sonographer I think they’re called, asked me to sit on the bed and roll my top up and unbutton my trousers so she could roll the scan thingy around freely. She squirted that cold gel on my tummy and began rolling the probe thing on my tummy and asked to look at the screen in front.
Thats where I saw my baby, two arms, two legs, two feet and two hands and a little round head. My heart melted in that minute. I suddenly remembered then that we hadn’t bought the tokens in order to print the pictures. I turned to Bill and told him to quickly run outside to get them.
That’s when my world stopped. The Sonographer told us to wait a minute, a look of concern on her face. I don’t know how or why but the word heartbeat just echo’d in my mind. She then confirmed our nightmare. Our baby didn’t have a heart beat and had stopped growing at 10 weeks. She asked a colleague of hers to come in and double check and they confirmed the same.
Tears fell down my face, I felt numb. I turned to Billy and I could see the heartbreak, his eyes watering just as much as mine. How could this happen again?! I could hear the lady speaking to me and I instinctively nodded my head but I have no idea what she was talking about.
We were escorted to the Early Pregnancy Unit to discuss our options. Basically to let the pregnancy pass naturally or to have a procedure. I couldn’t make that decision at the moment, I was still considering going back and demanding they scan again or tell me why this was happening, but I knew in my heart no one could answer me or bring my baby back. It just wasn’t our time.
The days that followed were so weird. I spent all of my time back at my parents house. In all honesty at 28 years old I just wanted my mummy. I think it was 2 days later, April 20th I decided to have the procedure. I remember this day as it was my gorgeous nephews 1st birthday. I just wanted to enjoy the day and enjoy being with him, but all the time it was still lingering that my baby was still in my stomach. I called the hospital and arranged for a DnC procedure where they remove the baby. I was surprised at how quick everything would move, I had a pre-op appointment on Friday 21st and the op scheduled for Monday 24th.
On the same day I’d also scheduled a private scan which took place on Friday 21st, I knew my baby was no longer alive but I think we both needed closure. I’m glad we went ahead with the private scan, much the reservation of some around us. We got to see our baby and to say goodbye. After this,Monday came around so quick, I’d had the procedure which took all of 30 minutes if that and I was back home, being looked after by my mum and family.
It’s been nearly 3 months now since this has all happened. It still hurts mentally and emotionally, there are still times that me and Billy sit together and think if I was still pregnant then…..
But it just wasn’t our time. It’s not to say our time won’t come but theres so much we realised we need to fix before we bring a little bub in this world.
I can’t even begin to give advice to anyone going through this as everyone is different and every bond with your baby is different. However if there is one thing I’d say is look after you. Put yourself first, take your time to heal whether that be months or years. We’ll never forget what happened but we will continue becoming stronger together and when it’s time we’ll have a little baby of our own.